Putting off work…
I’ve got a mountain of grading I’m putting off and I still feel pretty gross from the cold I caught. I caught myself chewing on my hair a couple times at work today, not even realizing it, and then scolding myself over it. That habit seems like it’s going to be an even harder one to break. I can’t even let my hair down to put it back up more neatly without wanting to chew on it a bit first. I keep touching the end of my pony tail and feeling the dry ends, wishing I could hear that crunching sound between my teeth. So gross… I know it will mess up my teeth and is ravaging my hair (hence the dry ends) but it’s so, so satisfying. More so than pulling in some ways. It’s all part of the same behavior though: the stimulation, the comfort, the self-focused obsession…
I keep thinking about the day I will walk into a hair salon for the first time in years and get a haircut. All of the chewed up, damaged dryness will be removed and out of my life and I can have soft beautiful hair that I can run my fingers through and enjoy for once. Now I have to hide it from myself any way I can so that I have time to heal. God, I hope it grows back.
Though that’s going to be a tough thing to deal with too. I have such a huge spot that covers so much, that if it does grow back it will give me a mullet. It’ll poke through and stand up all over the place. It will be grey too. The urge to pull anything sticking out and making me look stupid will be so hard to resist and I’m not sure how I’ll be able to style it so that it’s not noticible.
Ugh. Well, I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. Hopefully I will come to it. I’d be lucky to reach that point. Though if I make it through today and tomorrow, I’ll be a week pull free. I’ll have to do something to celebrate.
