Not dealing
As much as I hate to be that person who blames their issues on their parents, I couldn’t help but be struck by something I read about hair pulling and how it helps us deal with our emotions. I was taught from early on not to cry or show that I was upset. I had the kind of father who saw crying and display of emotions as weakness (though the irony is that he himself is very sensitive and we often have to mask our distaste for his actions because of this). My poor brothers felt the brunt of this much more I know, but even as a little girl, I felt that that crying over things was the weak and pointless way to react because I had been taught to think this and still do. I remember vividly my father repeatedly telling us to “suck it up” whenever we were hurt to the point that we wanted to cry or humilating us in front of the rest of the family if one of the brutal and heartless criticisms he made made us cry at the dinner table. I actually remember feeling so proud of myself when I hurt myself very badly as a 10 year old and proclaimed to him that even though it hurt me so badly, I wouldn’t cry. He praised my strength. Now I find it difficult to cry even if I am very sad.
The last time I can remember crying was when my dog died, which still haunts me to this day. She was my best friend and I think of her every day. I lost her through very ugly and painful circumstances. Probably worse than anyone could imagine. His solution was to try and force a new dog on me, which I refused. He tried to guilt me into it by saying this dog would be put to sleep if I didn’t take it. I have no idea if it ever was.
Is it weak to cry? Is it wrong to get emotional? I feel like crying right now honestly. I miss my dog and I miss my hair.
